Friday, September 26, 2008

Television, you magnificent bastard.

Well, you may or may not remember my post about the American version of Kitchen Nightmares which then turned into a rant about the glaring differences not only in the shows, but in the general audiences as well. (I don't remember, and I'm too lazy to read the blog in question, but I'll play along...) Last night was a good night for American television, at least on the channels I watched, and I just wanted to recognize it.

The Office was on, back for its latest season. I didn't watch the whole thing because I was flipping between that, the Red Sox game (Tampa Bay is going DOWN baby!) and FOX's Kitchen Nightmares. I'll start with Kitchen because it was a total 180 from just about all previous episodes. Didn't see the beginning, but it seemed like it was not a family owned business for once. A good start.

Back to the Sox game- Jon Lester is in the midst of a no hitter into the 5th inning (Yeah, thanks for that jinxing phone call Dame!!) looking sharp! Jon Lester is actually a blog topic for another day, him being a cancer survivor, dominant Southpaw, World Series Champion, owner of a No Hitter, (only 1?) etc, etc...Over to the Office..

I don't know why Michael Scott was wearing a goatee at times, I don't know why there was a contest to lose weight, and I don't know why they let coke addicted Ryan back into the fold, but it didn't matter it was still funny as Hell! I hate the character of Andy, but I felt bad for him. His fiance Angela (don't ask) pages her former lover, the ever hilarious Dwight, right in front of him so that she and Dwight can go have strange, adultrous, monkey sex in the warehouse. (Monkey sex?!?....oh yeah...Dwight calls her Monkey...) Back to Kitchen Nightmares...

Gordon is having a tough time dealing with one of three unnecessary manangers in a place called the Black Pearl in New York City. (Oh please don't go on about the city again....) Despite the fact that I loathe that disgusting, (damnit....) scum infested, filth ridden, Location filled with self absorbed, mindless insults to the rest of American people, (wow...) I watch anyway. Can't really get around it, since every episode since season one has involved a restaurant in or around the Pit. (Isn't this season 2?) Anyway, the manager scum Gordon was dealing with this week had the balls to sell "authentic Maine Lobster Rolls." (What's wrong with that?) The problem there is that Gordon took one look at the stash of Lobsters in the back and correctly pronounced them Canadian Lobsters. When questioned about the authenticity of his "Maine Lobsters" the Jackass manager simply said, "North American waters...same thing." Gordon apallingly asks again whether or not Canadian is the same as Maine to this Screwhead, and the guy says, "Are they not the same animal?" This guy isn't just asking this question, he's responding in the most condescending, asshole way anyone could possibly position themselves. Gordon eventually gives up and moves on. So do I...back to the Sox

My buddy Damien had called me while Lester was in the midst of his outing last night in the 5th inning to make me aware of the fact that he was pitching a no hitter. (Didn't I already mention that?) That's a Cardinal sin!! You don't mention anything about a no hitter until after it's happened!!! Dame and I are Hardcore Sox fans, and were just talking earlier over beers about how Goddamn closely we followed the 03 and 04 seasons while we were roommates at the time. I kept a big schedule on the wall each year, and recorded wins and losses with Ws and Ls, tallying up monthy records, and even charting other cool stuff happening around the league, like Randy Johnson throwing a Perfect Game in 04, multiple game hit streaks, and David Ortiz singing a contract extension. (Nerds...) When I flipped back to last night's game, I saw that the score was now 6-1, implying that not only was the no hitter gone, but so was the shut out. Oh well. Lester already pitched a no hitter earlier this year, and the reality of him pitching a second one was going to be very difficult to realize. Still winning though, that's the important thing...back to the Office.

(HOLD IT!! I can't take much more of this dizzying ride....) Well, that's how my tv watching went last night. Surprisingly, I was able to watch (mostly) 3 great bits of programming. What made things fun, was when Janelle, my beautiful fiance, came home from work around 9:45pm. By now, most everything I was watching was almost over. Her and I stayed on the 3 channel flip carousel until 10pm when everything but the game was over. We watched the end of the game, and then we flipped through until we found a sweet infomercial for Rock Ballads. We sang along with the samples and laughed out loud at the fact that between the two of us, we pretty much knew all the words to them all! A perfect end to a day. (Hey, you didn't use any pictures this time? And no songs to reference? You're losin it, dude.)

Monday, September 15, 2008

Election '08: WTF?!



I was kind of looking forward to this year's elections. We have them every year in November, but it's only once every four years that we get to clean (the White) house and shake things up a little bit. Sort of...

Is it ever really any different though? Sure, there are differences of opinion on policies, be they foreign, domestic, or which side of the Oval Office the desk sits on. And let's not forget whether or not the First Pet will be a dog or a cat. For the last eight years, we have had Republican George W. Bush in office. Love him, hate him, or really, really hate him, at least we can say one thing about him. He was President. (Clever...) He was mistakenly sworn in for his first term in 2000 (technically '01...but nobody cares..) and had some seriously high ground to get to. (Did he say 'mistakenly sworn in?') I said he was "mistakenly sworn in" because unless you've lived under a rock (that's original) for the last eight years, you know that We the People actually gave our popular vote to the other guy. (The Global Warming guy, right?) Then, while elementary students were teaching W how to read, (Oh, nice...a shot at his intelligence...actually that was pretty good..) our Nation was unmercifully attacked. May all Souls taken during that horrible moment in American History rest in eternal Peace. (Except the terrorists of course. May their flesh continuously burn in the depths of Hell and Rotten Damnation.) In the face of the adversity from such a devastating event, our President rose up and tried to do our Country proud.

Everything changed after that. Cliche as it sounds, it's true. We awarded W's efforts with another four years of sitting in the Captain's chair. I didn't. I voted, once again, for the other guy. (The Ketchup guy, right?) I never liked George W. Bush. It wasn't a donkeys and elephants thing (What?!?!) with me either. I can't stand the way he appears to the People. If there is one thing the President of The United States should do, it is instill confidence in the People of the Nation. There's no way in Raging Hell I have confidence in a Leader who cannot pronounce words, or form sentences correctly. I just don't. I know some people are not great Public Speakers, but if you're one of those people, DON'T RUN FOR FUCKING PUBLIC OFFICE!! Some have said that Mr. Bush has a high IQ, and that he truly is an intelligent man. (Bullshit.) He has shown no one any reason to believe that.

His administration hasn't helped him any. Let's face it folks, if you think the Prez makes all the decisions in this Land of Freedom and Opportunity, then you are misguided. Since he sounds like a first class boob at the podium, it's easy to blame him specifically for something you don't like. That's why, in this year's Election (Holy Hell, he got back to the point!) it is a donkeys and elephants issue with me.

For the Donkeys this time around, we have Barack Obama.
He is the first Black man (shouldn't he write African American?) to be in such contention for the highest seat in the Land. His platform message seems simple enough; Change. It seems to appeal to the masses who are disappointed in current Republican leadership, no matter the specifics. He seems to be a decent public speaker, and even when he's off script, like in an interview, he carries himself well enough to answer the questions efficiently and informatively. He also chose for his running mate, Joe Biden. He's and old white guy (shouldn't he type...wait..no that's right.) who appears to ground the Obama campaign in terms of political validity. (WTF does he mean by that?!) All I really mean there, is that the political system here has been predominantly white male for, oh I don't know, EVER.

On the Elephant's side of the field, we find John McCain representing. The man was once a POW, and that alone garners him a lot of respect. I'm not voting for him, but I'll be Damned if I don't respect the man's efforts for Our Country. He has also been spouting off lately about how the country needs Change. He's doing all he can to catch up in the polls, those devilishly seductive devices that determine who's in more favor with the People. Change though? Wouldn't change actually be something different from what is currently available? Personally, I think he shoots himself square in the foot when he goes on about how the country needs change. Supporting your Party's decisions for eight years and then now turning tail and saying that Change is needed doesn't sit well with me. For his running mate, he chose (get ready for it...) Sarah Palin. (Wha?!?!?!) That's right folks, to quote one of the greatest philosophers of our time, "Oooh, it's a Lady!"
Why the Hell would he choose her?!?! There really are only two reasons. Shock and Awe. You see, before the Governor from Alaska (Alaska? Ha!) was chosen, it seemed clear the Obama ticket would front run the election right til the end. Obama is the picture of change. If some don't like his ideas (Like a proposed 12% tax increase to the richest Americans...wait a minute..did I just offer genuine information? Whoa....) you can't deny that he would seem the polar opposite of our current Administration. What McCain has done is successfully balance the choices. Do we get extreme and vote in a Young African American (ah, maybe Black Man works too...) Male President with an Old White Man as VP, or do we get just as extreme and vote in an Old White Male President with a Young White Female as VP.

Sarah Palin is not the best choice for VP when it comes down to anything beyond her looking good at podium point. (Great, now he's making up phrases...) Obama and Biden seem like they can both be functional pieces of our Capital Government. I'm sorry Sarah, but you do not seem to be anything more than dead weight for McCain. When asked about what sort of foreign policy experience she has, you know what she had the audacity to say? Seriously...she said that she could see Russia from her home. (AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!) I can see Mars on a clear night from my driveway, so I guess I have Intergalactic Policy experience. Sweet. Now I'm not saying that she couldn't become a good politician, (isn't that really an oxymoron?) but right now she is not adding amount of credibility to McCain's Campaign. Many will throw up her laundry list of "experience" and to that I say, so what? Alaska runs itself. Over 60% of it is uninhabitable for God's sake! She hasn't reformed anything. She's taken her share of political bribes while running with a Candidate who wants to stop them. (Yeah, like that will ever happen...) A dear friend of mine has called Mrs. Palin the Antichrist. Seeing through her eyes, I totally get that. Seeing through my own, I'm not that harsh, but again, I understand the comparison made. Many people call her a MILF. (duh...what does that mean?) I say she looks more like a stripper. Seriously. When you see her march to a podium, all I can think of is her ripping off the suit coat to reveal nothing but stars and stripes pasties that shoot off red, white and blue fireworks (red and white from the top, blue from the daisy?). I don't want her to, but it looks like she just might every time!

Well, there it is. Who do you vote for? Does it matter to you? Will you get sucked in by the parasitic media coverage, and just choose who is ahead of the polls come election day? Please don't. It's not possible for you to side completely with each candidate's views, so don't try. Those that say they do are jaded by the political process and have no way of thinking for themselves. Find a candidate who supports something that will be good for you. That's why you get a vote. Comments are welcome, but let's remember that this is a blog post, and is not intended to provide news in any way. I know what I know, and that's what I type. (At least he didn't type 'It is what it is.' GOD I hate that phrase!)

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Television Nightmare


Right now, not only is it your tomorrow, (You think they'll pick up on the Van Halen reference?) but I'm right in the middle of watching FOX's "Kitchen Nightmares." That is the problem. (Eh?)

Time Warner Cable is gracious enough to give its subscribers the channel BBC America. There have been many shows taken from across the Pond (that's a stupid expression by the way.) and retooled for American television. Examples are "The Weakest Link", "The Office", "Whose Line Is It Anyway?", and most recently, "Kitchen Nightmares". BBC America lets us bloody Americans view some of these shows in their original form. It's not until you've seen both "versions" (what's the quotes for?) of a show that you begin to see glaring and embarrassing differences between the American and the British viewing audience.

I really enjoy the British, and original version of "Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares". If you don't know, it's a show where World Renowned Chef, Gordon Ramsay, goes to restaurants where the business is slow (these places suck) and turns them around (hopefully) and shows the the proprietors the errors of their ways. He remodels the place if necessary, cleans the Hell out of most of them, and usually shows the kitchen staff some great dishes they should add to their menus. Sometimes he changes the menus completely. While watching the Original version, you get to witness most of the restaurant owners embrace the changes with some, but generally very little push back and ego flexing. Gordon has, we'll say a rather blunt method (he yells and swears a lot) of getting across his wealth of knowledge. Ramsay's desire and passion for success is something that transcends the kitchen. It's a good show. Dare I say, a reality show I like. (He really does hate reality tv. Excessively.)

Enter the American Version. I can barely watch it. The only reason I make it to the end of it is because of Gordon. Sadly, however, his screen time is cut considerably from the original. No longer does he narrate, and for some reason they play Millionairesque (there's no way that's a word...) drama-happening music at every Goddamn turn!! (Oh now you got him going...) Drama!!! That seems to be all we care about as an audience. If there isn't some type of ridiculous friction between everyone on screen, then I guess Americans won't watch it. EVERY fucking episode, (whoa!) I'm not kidding has #1. A family owned business (drama when a family works together? Really?!?) #2. An owner or a manager that comes off as the dumbest fucking post ever to enter the business world, and #3. A tearful and obnoxiously predictable ending to the whole thing having everyone praise Holy God Ramsay and how He "saved my family! *sniff* " (Oh shit, I think he just puked...wash your hands before you start typing again, you fiend!) It just really disappoints me as an American when it seems a perfectly good, entertaining and watchable show gets so obviously dumbed down so it can "succeed" (oh, now I get the quotes thing...) on American networks. (Well, it is FOX, mind you.)

Now, obviously this isn't the case with all shows, as The Office is wildly popular, and more importantly, damn funny. It also holds it's own quite well when compared to the British original. Now, I guess I could just stop watching the shows I keep bitching about, but....I don't know.....can I? Can I really blame anyone when It's Nobody's Fault But Mine? (Nice...didn't think he'd squeeze it in.)