Tuesday, July 29, 2008

What if.....?


I received this in an email today and thought I'd share it with you all. I'm certain that some of you may have seen this before, or even contributed to it, but it made me chuckle and then genuinely ask myself, "What if this actually happened?" I also added that part about contributing to it because in the email, some of it was in different fonts and sizes, and the general direction of the piece changes a little bit from where it begins. Enjoy! (I bet you didn't forward it, did you?)

_________________________________________________________________________________

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?
'My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.


Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short . The United Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria , Australia , and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains every one not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. THEN EVERY YEAR THERE AFTER IT'll GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM SO IT WONT GO BROKE IN 20 YEARS.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine ? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France .

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home . On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France or maybe China .

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France , Germany , and Russia . Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bonne chance, mezamies.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded a nd crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2 its president and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra thousand tanks and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put 'em? Yep, border security.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska- which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, 'darn tootin.'

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America It is time to eliminate homelessness in America . To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won't forget.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

God bless America .. Thank you and good night.'

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

(Please forward this to at least ten friends and see what happens! Let's get this to every USA computer!)

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

To Kidbilly....but wait, there's more!


Tag, you're it. Here's a link to Kidbilly's award winning blog. Check it, read it, and jump into this heated mix. http://www.wherethereswil.blogspot.com/

Wil
Thank you for considering me the World's Leading Zep Expert. (You have no idea how long he wanted to type "Zepspert.") I assure you that I'm just a big nerd when it comes to the Greatest Band Ever, but I will graciously accept the Crown. (He did an acceptance dance that NO ONE would want to see.)


Classic Rock. It's a phrase that I think most responsible people have taken for granted over the last thrity years. (You're 28 though, right?) I was born in 1980 (HA! Didn't write it out this time!) and unfortunately had to experience the best Rock that music has ever had to offer secondhand, if you will. (What if they won't?) Firsthand I really only had the music of the Nineties (damnitt...) to grow up with, as I was a teenager from '93 to '99. I'll tell you right now that my one of my favorite bands is the Gin Blossoms, who are actually back together and even put a record out as recently as 2006. Will I ever hear the Gins on a Classic Station? No. Not until the Nineties becomes Classic, and by Wil's (aren't you addressing him in the first place?) calculations, that will be sometime in the next decade. But it's still not Classic Rock. Why? Here's a fine definition of Classic Rock (how many damn times are you going to type that?!) as given by our friend, Wikipedia:
Classic rock was originally conceived as a radio station programming format which evolved from the album oriented rock (AOR) format in the early-1980s. In the United States, this rock music format now features a large and nearly unlimited playlist of songs ranging from the early-1960s through the early-1980s with more emphasis on the earlier hits by artists associated with the loosely-defined "classic rock era".[citation needed]

(I love it when it says "citation needed"!)

I know what you're thinking. (I doubt it...) That definition is bullshit!! Of course it is. Let's break it down a little. (*sigh*) What exactly is nearly unlimited? (almost limited?) Alright, I'm done breaking it down. (That's it?!) There's really no need. No one here is in any kind of disagreement about what Classic Rock should be. People seem to be more up in arms about the fact that the current Pop stations play nothing but shit. (What the Hell does that mean?) What I mean, and it's not really Radio's fault, is that the new music coming through the pipe line has apparently been coming from Sewer Pipes instead of the normal routes. Maybe Classic Rock dammed up those portals.

The likes of Zeppelin, The Who, Queen, The Doors, The Stones, are gone. (Didn't Zep play last winter?) They can come back in spirit though. There's one thing in common with ALL that is considered Classic Rock. (By who? ((whom?)) Guitar. I agree with you Wil, John Mayer is a poser, and I despise his singles. He's raking in dollar bills imitating Dave Matthews one day, and writing just terrible pop songs the next. He's trying way too hard.(Women seem to love it.) BUT that son of a bitch can play guitar, and I don't know why he refuses to show that to mainstream. (I just said why!) Quite seriously, he should take a backseat and form a serious band. If he were to stop being "John Mayer" and just play on and maybe even write good blues rock, then he can step out and be John Mayer. It's EXACTLY what Clapton did. (But Clapton is God!) Clapton's pop doesn't compare to his old stuff with Cream, but does anyone really hold it against him? Jimmy Page's solo records (he had some?) are far lesser known than what he did with Led Zeppelin.

I've gone way off topic, (No, you?!?) so it's probably time to reel in this train wreck of a blog. Wil, my internet Brother from another Blog, keep on bitching. You obviously will not fall on deaf ears, as I have seen you shielding and defending moronic comments from Mutants with positions not even on the field, and you will have support from the Loyal and Unwavering Classic Rock Legion. (Is that a cartoon with Superman in it?) And to you, pop crap of today's "Top Whatever," I patiently await the day when I can laugh, and pull so hard to see you swinging on the Gallows Pole.


EDIT- Time:Later... Date: No thank you, Im engaged.
I have since learned that Mr. John Mayer has in fact dabbled in the godless yet purely spiritual experience that is massive blues rock. He apparently has a GREAT album called "Live Trio" where he does pretty much what I was talking about before. Now to be fair, (here it comes...) I knew of this album's existence before posting my jem of an opinion. I have not heard it, however, (Wait a minute, "Jem?" You're going to let him get away with that?) nor did I know what was played on the record. I have only read online (oh there's a shocker) that it was really good. (Well then how the Hell did you know he was a great guitarist?!) You, the reader, might be wondering how the Hell I knew he was a great guitarist? If you haven't seen John Mayer on the Chappelle Show, (any more info? Or do we have to find it ourselves?) then you need to. He does a bit where he (who, Chappelle or Mayer?) wants to discover how different ethnicities react when they hear Electric Guitar. (Ah, Chappelle it is.) It's a riot! Anyway, the licks he pulls out just for that inane little skit were pretty good! Also, like I said, I've read about his guitar prowess. So as I was saying...."Live Trio." I'll have to listen.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

"Boos? F*** you!" -Chase Utley, All Star

Chase Utley made a bit of a blunder at the Homerun Derby at Yankee Stadium this past Monday during the player introductions. After his name was called, he was treated to unmerciful boos from the mutants of New York City. His response was the exact quote in the title of this entry, and to it I say that I whole heartedly agree with you, Chase. Fuck New York in a serious way. (That's a little harsh isn't it?) The only problem I have Chase, is that you said that on live television. With America's (desensitized) youth at the helm of the remote. Come on, man. You're better than that.

Was it wrong that you said something like that to people who hail from the cesspool of America? Was it wrong of you to defend your honor as a deserving Major League Baseball All Star? Was it wrong for all of those big headed, little brained, and otherwise inept human beings to boo every player that wasn't on their pathetic city's teams? No(*), no, and yes. (The asterisk after the first "no" is there to denote that it WAS a mistake to do that on friggin tv!!)

Let me get this right out of the way. (Here we go....) I hate New York City. I hate it. Inherently, I hate the Yankees and the Mets. (You'd hate them anyway, you're a Sox fan.) I have my own reasons for wanting to take a huge dump on a city already comprised of it, but for the purposes of this blog, I'll stick with just one (Thank God!) good one; baseball.

I am a Boston Red Sox fan and I am damn proud of it. Out of all one hundred and sixty-two (*groan*) games in a season, there's no question the most entertaining and engaging games are those between the two rivals, Boston and New York. The Yankees have traditionally been the "better" team. (Why'd he put that in quotes?...)For countless years, it was the Yankess who finished on top, and beating Us specifically to get there. As everyone (especially New York!!) knows, that tide has changed in the last four years, and Boston has emerged as the better team (No quotes that time?) and has won two World Championships to New York's zero.

Each team has their own storied and beloved home field. Boston ofcourse has Fenway Park, while the Yankees have Yankee Stadium. Both are icons of the game. The problem is, one of those icons is to be reimagined after this season. Yankee Stadium will be replaced by a new one built just across the parking lot in the Bronx. (Who cares?) As a Baseball fan, I have to say that I am sad to see it go. I've been there once, and despite my feelings for all things New York, I'm very happy I had the pleasure of going. (Is this guy serious?!?!) You cannot call yourself a baseball fan if you don't appreciate the massive amount of history and importance Yankee Stadium carries on it's concrete shoulders. I'm not a sports writer (are you even a writer?) so I won't begin to get into those stories.

I hate you New York, with extreme passion. (Are you gritting your teeth while you type?) Without you though, baseball would not have been the same. It would not have become the sport I love and enjoy to this day. I extend a moment of truce to say that I'm sorry to see your legendary "House That Ruth Built" become the lesser used guest house to the New Yankee Stadium. Why be peaceful and open minded when you assholes (here we go again...) boo every player not a Yankee or a Met? Because I have something you poor bastards never will have. Class. Your team prides itself for having it,(most of them do. I'm lookin at YOU A-Rod) yet you the fans have simply none of it. I say it speaks to the attitude of the City as a whole (weren't you just gonna leave this about baseball?) but what do I know.

I bring this weird ride back to Chase Utley. Bravo my friend. (you don't know the guy dumbass) Just don't do it again on tv! Well, now wait a minute...fuck it. Let's have HBO televise the game. Or the internet. Clearly you can say whatever the fuck you want there! (Here?) I guess the main thing is that the City and I have a hate/hate-not-so-much relationship. Good times, bad times, you know we've had our share. A little more Zep for you, back by popular demand!

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Ten Years Gone

Well, I ended the last one with a Zep reference (unnecessarily, I might add) so in the tradition of great transitions, I title this entry with yet another. The song comes from probably the group's greatest studio album (yeah, in YOUR opinion maybe) Physical Graffitti. The song is also and most obviously, a reflection on the happenings of ten years past. It had also better be a song they play loudly at my upcoming Ten year high school reunion. (Finally! He gets to the point!)

In today's modern world of high speed interwebz access, thousands of tv channels, ketchup in bottles with the spout on the bottom, and gasoline that involves loan paperwork to buy, I hadn't yet secured my tickets to the Event. (what did those others things have to do with?....ah nevermind.) The tickets are a whopping thirty-five (here we go with the numbers again...) bucks apiece, and the tickets say there is a "no host bar." Well, I did see the word "bar" and got a little excited. Then I realized there were two other words in front of it. It has to mean open bar right? I mean the tickets are thirty-five dollars, which ofcourse includes dinner and drinks right? I graduated up there in my class, I didn't complete college, but I consider myself smrt. (Dude, you gonna....you gonna spell check that right?) On this day however, I was stumped by the wording and had to look up what the Hell a "no host bar" was.
* * *
A man walks his dog down the street. It's a nice, breezy and mild day. Birds are chirping, lawns are being cut, and as we've just seen, dogs are being walked. The man's faithful companion finishes his business and waits dutifully for his master to examine, and give praise. As the man reaches down to pick up his friend's gift for proper disposal, he is caught far off balance by an unmercifully loud noise and falls face first into the prize. What could have pierced through the man's concentration? It sounded like surely someone's arm had come off, and was a clear screaming cry of "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" What could it be? We leave the man to ponder that question as he crudely wipes his face with a towel he had in his pocket. "Shoulda got a cat," the man complains.
* * *

"Honey, what the hell was that?!" says my fiance as she rushes into the living room to find me near complete exhaustion, sprawled on the floor.
"It's....it's....a...it's not a...." is all I can manage. After a few minutes, I came to and was able to properly explain myself. I had just discovered that "no host bar" means a goddamn CASH BAR. (Wow. What a drama queen. And why did the random guy have to be picking up dog crap?)

In all seriousness, a cash bar is probably a good thing. (ofcourse it is, you drunk) It just means that more of my millions (AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) will be spent on individual beers.

I do look forward to going to this reunion. There are some I haven't seen in ages (ten years, moron) and some I have seen randomly throughout the years. I look forward to being there with my beautiful fiance and catching up with old friends. (any other cliches you wanna drop?) See you there.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

If Life's a Beach, can I exchange mine for something else?

Ah......the Beach. When I was a kid, I used to really enjoy going to the Beach. Never big on swimming in the Ocean, my family turned its attention to beautiful, warm, land-locked lake water. We had a family camp in the southern bowels of Maine, and sometimes we'd even pay hard earned dollars to frequent a genuine beach.

Deciding to spend this year's July Fourth at a public beach was a decision that came surprisingly fast. Early July Third, my fiance text messaged me that she wanted to go to the Beach. She loves the Ocean. I like it too, I really do, but I'd rather breathe canned air in a wet suit while in the frigid salt water than swim in it. Also, I'm not really a big lay (lie?) in the sun and tan guy. Taking in her voiceless request, I took it upon myself to decide that we should go a lake so that we could both enjoy the water, and she could still get a little sun. We talked about it later, and decided that the Lake would be a great substitute for Ocean.

Fast forward to our arrival at the Lake, and we quickly realize that July Fourth Two Thousand and Eight (why does he keep writing out the numbers?...) was not the day to go to the Lake. The closer we came while driving to our destination, I kept thinking, "This might be crowded." Well it was. The beach opened its gaping, wallet sucking, chain link doors at nine in the morning (again with the numbers....) and it became very clear that we should have been here well before even that early time. We didn't arrive until nearly eleven am. I knew we were doomed as soon I handed over my eight dollars and the kind person who accepted it turned to someone else and said, "Are we stamping? It's really busy." *sigh*

After we got in, we began to search the "beach" for an ample spot to hunker down and begin receiving skin poisoning rays. Since we didn't get there early enough, all the spots on the sand near the water and in the sun were scooped up. By whom, you might ask? By some of the most undeserving mutants you'll ever lay (lie?) eyes (no, lay it is) on. These people look like they have never left the dining room table, or worse yet, the goddamn basement. I saw an extremely large party of people (only four people, mind you, but LARGE nonetheless) setting up camp (literally, they were setting up a tent) very close to one of the few "BEACH RULES" signs nailed into one of the many pine trees. One of the first rules said, and I'm not kidding here, "No lifeguard." Alright, so under any and all circumstances, there is no chance in Hell a Life Guard will step foot on this beach. They simply don't allow it. Another "rule" on the sign said something about no alcohol on the beach. Looking around, I could see numerous people holding various beverages in their hands. Kids had juice boxes, older kids had two juice boxes, even older kids were holding juice boxes over the heads of their younger siblings, *SMACK* (Get off the juice boxes!!!) *ahem* Sorry about that. Where was I? Right, right....and the adults all had cans in their hands. These weren't just cans though. No. These cans were protected from the beating sun by a can coozie. (that word was painful to type.) Are these very same people who don't seem to care about their girth or their close proximity to several stinking trash cans really concerned about protecting their drinks? Nope. They're being as clever as their feeble minds allow them to be. They're "hiding" their beer cans. It would be one thing if the can coolers (I now refuse to type the word "coozie"...it makes me feel dirty) actually covered the whole can. They don't. Someone needs to tell these people that a Michelob Ultra (they care about carbs when drinking but not eating?) can is not hard to spot when the top three (is he going to write out every number?) inches are showing. But wait a minute....there's no life guard here anyway. Who's policing? Who's in charge here? (And don't those things actually keep the can cold?) I wonder if there are lifeguards disguising themselves so they can get in. Wouldn't it be great if that were the rule being disregarded? "No lifeguard?" observes a lifeguard. "Fuck that, I'm going in. I have lives to guard damn it! Someone wrap me in a coozie." (now I need a shower)

When all was said and done (isn't that a dumb phrase?) we didn't stay at the Lake/Beach very long. Since everyone and their fat ass brother and trailer trash, tramp-stamped sister had taken all the best spots for possible enjoyment, we threw a disc (can't say Frisbee, don't wanna get sued) around in the water for a bit and my Lady got a little sun, and then we left. I felt bad about it really, since my fiance wanted to go to the Ocean. She relieved me of my guilt however, and assured me that we should come back to the Lake on a day when it would be less crowded. She's great like that.

Robert Plant sang about the Ocean once. He wasn't singing about actual salt water though. I just wanted to mention it. Long Live the Zep.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Blog, blog, bolg...wait...bolg?

Ok, I did it. I set one of these things up, and I have made a "commitment" to write in it. Why not? I suppose I'll take a moment of your time and explain my blog title. It comes from one of my favorite bits from quite possibly the greatest show that was ever resurrected from being canceled, Family Guy. If you remember it now, cool. If not, I can't help you much. You'll just have to experience it for yourself.
What's my goal? What are my motives? Why initiate such a bold manuever? Can Mars support life? Why is it so damn cold in here? All good questions I hope to answer. Oh look, the thermostat......